Children meet situations every day in which they must decide how to balance their own needs and interests in relation to the interests of other people. In such situations, kids need to know that they have choices. They can go on the attack. They can give in, and go along with what the other person wants even though they don't want to, to avoid being bullied or ostracized. Or they can stand up for their values, beliefs or interests.
For example:
- The child wants to be alone, but a friend wants to hang out with her. What does she do?
- A classmate teases the child or calls him a name. How should he respond?
- An older kid tells the child he has to give him the cake from his lunch, or he'll beat him up. Now what?
- Two close friends ask a child to join them in stealing money from another kid's backpack. What should she say?
- A younger brother keeps bothering a child while she's trying to do her homework. How should she handle this?
- The child's family is having a conversation around the dinner table, and she has an opinion she'd like to state. Everyone is talking so fast. How can she get her family to listen to what she has to say?
Three Anti-Bullying Options
There is no one right way to respond to the variety of situations children (or adults) confront daily. The aim is to get children to think in a flexible way in order to come up with the approach that best fits the situation. They then need to learn the skills to carry out that approach.
This means that kids need to be shown that they have a range of choices in any given situation. Too often, children (as well as adults) fall into the habit of being too aggressive or submissive, rather than taking the path that is usually most effective in the long run – assertiveness.
What is Assertiveness?
Being strong (assertive), being mean (aggressive) or giving in (submissive) are the three primary choices a child has while dealing with various social situations at school, at home and in the neighborhood. In most situations, being assertive is the best, most pro-social choice. When a child is assertive, she is standing by her own beliefs and values, while at the same time being respectful of the beliefs and values of others. This is a key component of social-emotional intelligence.
Assertiveness can be described as an active way of being in the world. It involves a set of skills that children can practice and improve with the help of parents and teachers. Assertiveness can help children learn to resist peer pressure, avoid being bullied, and avoid becoming a bully.
Teaching Assertiveness – Begin Early
When children are young – pre-school through grade 2 – parents and teachers should focus on teaching kids the most basic assertiveness skills: saying "no" clearly and firmly, and asking for what she wants in a clear, confident and polite way. Older children need to learn more complex assertiveness and communication skills, like using "I-messages" and carefully balancing their needs with the needs of others.
Be Strong – Be Mean – or Give In?
Assertiveness, aggressiveness and submissiveness are big words – and big concepts – for kids to learn. However, children will usually have a good idea of what it means to be strong, be mean, or give in. Here's a brief, easy-to-understand explanation of each that parents and teachers can use to reinforce each concept:
- Being mean is doing something to hurt another person (his body, his feelings or his possessions), or using force or threats to make somebody do what he doesn't want to do.
- Giving in means going along with what someone wants you to do, even if it is against what you believe in or what you want to do.
- Being strong means being kind and respecting others while standing up firmly for yourself and what you believe in.
Parents and teachers can reinforce each of these behavior strategies by asking children to give examples of each. Similarly, hypothetical situations can be described (like the ones above), and children can be asked what they would do in such a situation.
Helping Kids Learn Kindness
Sometimes, just to be kind, people give in and agree to let a friend join them even if they want to be alone. Children must learn how to "choose their battles." In other words, the friend could be feeling sad and need some companionship, or perhaps the child has a compelling reason that causes her to need to spend time with another child.
In such situations, when a child's values or safety aren't being compromised, children should be encouraged to use empathy – "walking a mile in someone else's shoes" – when they weigh their own needs versus someone else's. The combination of assertiveness and empathy, taught young, will provide a child with the skills and strategies necessary to avoid being bullied, and avoid becoming a bully, both in childhood and as adults.
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