Why Do Some Children Become Bullies?
Learn What Makes a Bully and How Parents Can Make a Difference
Oct 13, 2009
When children go to school, they should feel safe, protected and able to focus on learning. However, when children are bullied on the bus or in school, they can become frightened and apprehensive about going to school; some even become physically ill. Bullies, on the other hand, seem to believe that physical or verbal violence is an acceptable way to interact with others, and appear to be unconcerned with the emotional impact their behavior has on others.
What Causes a Child to Bully Others?
A bully is an individual who directs aggressive or harassing behavior against another, with the intent of gaining power over or dominating that person, or impressing others. The behavior can be either a verbal, physical or emotional attack, and it usually happens repeatedly over time.
Research by the National Association of School Psychologists shows that bullying is more prevalent in boys, although this difference lessens when it comes to verbal or cyberbullying.
Typically, the tendency to bully is brought about by these four factors in the child's environment:
- The child's temperament, or personality – Bullies tend to be aggressive and impulsive, and have little empathy or regard for the feelings of others. They are used to getting their way, and they are usually confident and physically strong.
- The environment in the home, including parenting style, supervision and attitudes about violence– Often, bullies are spanked or even physically abused at home. They might also witness domestic violence between other family members. Violence is modeled in the home as a way of solving problems or getting others to behave in a certain way. Additionally, there is typically a lack of supervision in the bully's home, as well as a lack of warmth and kindness.
- Standards, consequences and culture in the school– Sadly, some school employees ignore bullying behaviors. Children may be admonished for "tattling." Also, unfortunately at some schools, the atmosphere might be negative, with few consequences for aggressive or violent behavior, as well as low academic and behavioral standards for the students. The school might also reward only certain select groups of students, such as the athletes, the wealthier or more popular students, or the best scholars. Such schools marginalize students who do not fit into these select groups, and lack an atmosphere of inclusion and cooperation.
- The child's peer group– Other children in the school or neighborhood might support behavior that harasses, abuses or excludes others. Children might try to fit in with his or her peers by joining in on the bullying behavior, adopting a gang mentality and victimizing a few select children.
What a Parent of a Young Bully Should Do
A parent who observes his child pushing, hitting, threatening, cruelly teasing, name calling, humiliating or purposely excluding others can be relatively certain that his child a bully – or well on his way to becoming one. Steps should be taken to curb the behavior while the child is young; by late elementary or middle school, parents have far less control over their child's behavior.
- The child should be made immediately aware that the behavior will not be allowed to continue. He should be instructed to stay away from anyone who he has bullied or harassed, and should stay away from friends who are bullying others.
- Do not use violence, such as hitting or verbal attacks, to discipline a child. A child needs to know and believe that intentionally hurting others is simply not okay. This non-violent behavior should be modeled by the parents/guardians and other family members. Parenting classes can be helpful ways to learn how to discipline and set limits and boundaries for children without resorting to hitting or verbal abuse.
- Require that the child make amends to his victims by apologizing, or replacing any damaged or stolen toys or clothing. He should pay for these things with his own money; if he doesn't have money, he should earn it by doing chores at home. This teaches that there are natural consequences to bullying behavior.
- Help the child learn to empathize with others. In other words, assist the child in "walking a mile in someone's shoes," imagining what it must feel like to be on the victim side of the bullying situation. Children need to know that their behaviors have an impact on others.
- Don't negatively label a child. Saying "Steve is just a tough kid," or "Kim is very selfish" simply encourages a child to live up to that label. A better approach is, "You're a good kid, Steve, but hitting is wrong and hurts others."
- Limit – or eliminate – the child's exposure to violent TV shoes, movies and video games; much of the violence in the media glorifies violence as a way to solve problems or get what you want.
- Seek out the help of a counselor. Stopping bullying behavior, especially if the child is older, can be difficult; it takes time, effort and consistency. Parents need guidance and support in such situations.
- Contact the school's principal and let her know that the family is working to change the child's unkind behaviors. This creates a wrap-around team of support for the child to make good behavioral choices, both at home and at school.
Bullying Can Be Unlearned
Caught early, bullying behaviors can be corrected and changed, just like any other habit or behavior pattern. It takes effort, consistency and support from the home and school, but even older kids can be taught not to bully with the right intervention and adequate time.
Parents of a child who bullies need to forbid their child from interacting with his victim, unless it is a sincere – and supervised – apology. At all times, the child should be closely supervised by a parent, guardian, or other trusted adult who is on board with the plan to restructure the child's aggressive behaviors.
References
Cohn, Andrea & Canter, Andrea, PhD, NCSP. "Bullying: Facts for Schools and Parents." National Association of School Psychologists.
Olweus, D. Bullying at School: What We Know and What We Can Do. Oxford, UK: Blackwell Publishers. 1994.
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